Sometimes you need a change from sticking a penis or a moistened finger into your girlfriend's ear. Here are a few suggestions for other things to insert. NOTE: It is not advisable to stick anything too deep into anybody's ear.
1) The unlit end of a cigar.
2) The bushy tail of a dead grey squirrel from the side of the road.
3) The open end of a tube of toothpaste. (Important note: Only squeeze with your girlfriend's express permission)
4) A badger's nose. If you can get 2 then they make a lovely pair of ear-protectors.
5) A rolled-up slice of streaky bacon. For a special touch, make it smoked.
6) A stick of rock from any of Britain's major seaside resorts.
7) A car compressed into a small, ear-friendly size.
8) A spoonful of popping candy. Add a little water for a fun time.
9) The surviving personal effects of Charles Dickens.
10) A balled-up bunch of grass from the football stadium of your choice.
11) A chewed piece of fillet steak.
12) A piece of paper folded into the shape of an African Elephant.
Friday, 26 August 2016
Thursday, 25 August 2016
Zombie Life
Are you dead?
Then this magazine is just for you. Never before has a publication sought to address and highlight the daily challenges of being a walking dead.
In this month's issue...
Letter from the Deaditor
A quick note from our editor, William Shakespeare.
Cooking with Humans
Recipes and tips from our in-house cooking editors.
Are you tired of cold, stringy humans? Have you had enough of endlessly chewing on raw flesh?
Then try some of our delicious recipes:
Keef Wellington.....A juicy leg of Keith Richards in a tasty, flaky pastry.
Ducky a L'Orange.....Breast of Boy George in a sticky orange sauce.
Eton Mess.....David Cameron and George Osborne chopped into bite-sized pieces with cream and biscuits.
Am I dead?
Five questions that will reveal whether you really are dead or just comatose.
Money Matters
It's hard being undead with all the financial complications that brings. Here, we will help you to budget for all those things a zombie needs.
Dead, Disabled or Both?...Here you'll find tips on how to claim disability benefits as an undead. Sample application forms will provide a step-by-step guide for claimants.
Dead Letters
Write in. Tell us about your experiences as a Zombie. Share your funny stories.
Home and Garden
Who hasn't wondered what to do with those body parts that fall off?
Find tips on adding a little sparkle to those fallen limbs. Don't just throw them away. Decorate your house using our hints on varnishing those old bones. Make bookends out of those old jawbones. Fashion a replica Samurai Sword from that fallen femur.
In Memoriam
Your photos of the funniest headstones.
The End...Or Is It?
Share your epitaph with us. Tell us your eulogy. The best ones every month will win a prize.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)